Seeking the Holy Family
A Reflection in the Christmas Season (Christmas Day Reflection posted earlier)
“’Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety.’ And he said to them, ‘Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?’” (Luke: 2: 48-49) Everyday there are thousands, maybe millions, of versions of this conversation taking place between teens and their parents. It might sound a little different, more like: “Why are you doing this to us? You’re driving us crazy.” And “Why do you make everything about you? When do I get to live my own life?” Essentially, it is a familiar dialogue. The story says that Jesus was only 12 years old, but we have to remember that in his day the average life span was 30 years. A twelve-year-old son would have taken on more responsibility than a child of twelve in our day. Moving toward adulthood involves testing one’s limits with parents or guardians, and it seems that Jesus did just that.
Every year when it comes time to celebrate the feast of the Holy Family, I take time to reflect on my own family, my children, grandchildren, and their partners as well as my husband, my sister and brothers and the extended circle of cousins and even future kin. Family life is messy. It is also incredibly rewarding.
When I was much younger, I felt I had no connection to the Holy Family. They were perfect. I/We were not. Mary was Immaculate. I am not even fond of housekeeping. Mary was the perfect ever-patient mother and wife. I am part Sicilian. Mary was “ever virgin.” My first marriage did not last. Jesus was Divine and wholly human. My children were very human. When the Holy Family was lifted up as a model I could not relate.
But some place along the way in my personal journey of faith that changed. Through study, prayer, and reflection I began to see in the Holy Family the very human that made connection possible.
Mary was young. I was 21 when my first child was born. By today’s standards, I too was young. I thought I knew what I was doing when I married. I did not. But when my first baby came along something very powerful happened. I remember feeling the “Divine” all around me. I looked into my baby’s eyes and fell deeply in love. I loved each of my children very much and knew that I would do whatever I could to protect them from harm. I spent many years on my own with them and my resolve to love and protect them never wavered.
Mary married an older man, one who most likely already had children by a previous marriage. It was common for thousands of years for a man who lost his wife, often in childbirth, to marry a younger woman to help him care for the children left behind. When I spent time researching my ancestral family tree, I was confronted by how common that scenario was. Joseph assumed the role of father figure for Jesus, watching out for him along with Mary, as we heard in today’s Gospel (Luke 2: 41-52). Stepparenting is never easy as any stepparent can tell you. There is a delicate dance between respecting and diminishing a child’s biological parent. Love which forms quickly with an infant takes time to nurture and grow between an older child and a stepparent, and yet the need to provide guidance and care is immediate.
As Christians, we consider ourselves “adopted sons and daughters” of God so I want to take a moment to lift up adoptive parents. Their task as parental guides can be even more challenging. While stepchildren have at least one parent who can share the important family history that can bring insight, adoptive parents take on children whose genetic backgrounds and/or early childhood experiences can be a total mystery. These brave parents bring stability and love to children with behaviors and inclinations that can be completely disorienting – sometimes in a clever way but other times not. I applaud these parents.
Mary and Joseph spent three days looking for Jesus. Can you image how they felt? There was anxiety to be sure, but unless my Sicilian is fogging my thinking, I would expect that there was anger as well. Three days looking for him! At the end of the story, we are told that “Jesus went down with them and came to Nazareth; and was obedient to them.” Yes. I suspect after that little adventure Jesus knew what was necessary for family, parental harmony!
Mary kept all these things in her heart. Moms are good at holding the vision of their children as babies in their hearts simultaneously with current reality. It helps to remember the little child when confronted with tricky situations. Remembering the stories and the journeys that shaped the child’s personality can help us navigate the present. Some of those stories are heartwarming. Others are tragic and since we live much longer than people did in Jesus’ day, there is often work that adult children and their parents need to do to repair relationships, to adjust, or rebalance the way that the family engages with one another. This is not easy work for anyone, but when it is taken on with sincerity by all parties involved, the results can be very illuminating and healing.
Stories from the past frequently bubble to the surface during significant moments of life: births, funerals, weddings, graduations, and the like. And of course, the holiday season stirs up memories pretty thoroughly, making them difficult to enjoy for those who carry hurts. I read recently in the New York Times that there are many people who discovered the holidays to be much better last year when they “did not have to” travel home. Instead, they spent the holidays with friends who were in their Covid bubble. The experience has made them rethink how they will celebrate the season in the future. I found that story sad as well as understandable.
Family life is messy. People are not perfect. We contribute to, or detract from, the well-being of others whether we are conscious of our actions or not. Sometimes people step away from family for a while to regain their mental footing. The space that we need to become our truest selves changes at different moments in our lives, but the opportunities that we have to heal and to come back together decrease as the years go by. If this is a journey that needs to be taken, now is a good time to begin the work.
The Holy Family reminds us that life is a journey, that love, and commitment are not easy. The goal is to “grow in wisdom and age and favor before God and others.” We do not find God alone, but in the company of others, and family may include some of the most difficult ‘others’ in our lives. But even with all of its perplexities, family is still a place of Holiness.
The picture expresses such a memory for you. Six precious children. I hope they are all near you. Almost 40 years older, WOW! So many memories. Thanks for sharing.